Idiot-proofing
Despite the week's events, I'm in a surprisingly optimistic mood for a change. Yes, there was all that typical Tory nonsense, and Keir Starmers painfully dull performance on Andrew Marr this morning, no doubt mannequins at Top Shop have more personality than Sir Keir. Yet I can't not feel positive. My little boy has just started to properly crawl. Making his way round he living room like a baby dare devil, squeezing himself into all the places he shouldn't be like Matt Hancock. He found the plug sockets earlier, then he tried to get under the clothes horse. Like he's foreseen everything his future has to offer with this government and hanging around long enough to find out what happens just isn’t worth it. So why not have a spin in the washing machine? Nothing to lose.
Obviously, I knew he'd crawl eventually, he's been almost there for weeks now. But now he's really doing it I'm realising just how quickly the time flies. I remember just yesterday I was weeing on a stick to see if I was allowed a drink or not for my fiancé's birthday. Then blink. A mini version of us is bouncing around our living room, throwing himself at furniture like a nutter.
All the sick down my top, stumbling around in the dark, looking for a bottle, the late nights... they had to go. No more booze for me. Not that I'm complaining, I did use to like a drink but I'm happy enough without it. For now anyway, while he's still feeding.
Now that he is crawling, it's time we think about doing some serious baby proofing. I wonder whether Mr Johnson had to baby proof number 10? Maybe that's what all the money was for? Mind you, that's a lot of baby proofing, but then again most of his cabinet probably can't be trusted with sharp objects. They'd probably manage to hurt themselves with a fountain pen if left unsupervised. Or Priti Patel would get carried away and start popping rubber dinghies in the channel. Nah, stick with the felt tips I think. Probably for the best.
We've already brought the stair gates, just need to put them up. Human babies are a bit pathetic really, when you think that once a foal is born it just picks itself up and prances about independently. We can’t do that! Our heads are too big, we'd only topple over. Human babies need looking after for quite a while. They need guidance and nurturing. They need to be taught about the dangers in life and about what’s safe, what’s right and wrong. This is very important stage in my child’s development. You hear horror stories, don’t you? About the children who didn't have that support and ended up a Tory minister. Sorry, I meant sociopath. Oh wait, hang on. Which one was it again?
Anyways, my point being I'll be able to relax more once the stair gates are up. I’ll have to get my dad round. My fella isn't exactly the best at DIY, needless to say I do the flat packs in this house. And the light on the landing has been flickering so that'll need changing soon.
‘How many Conservatives does it take to change a light-bulb. None. They'll pay a private contractor not to do it.’
As I look at my son, I’m trying to make a mental list of what else needs doing. I know that the storage units need drilling to the walls, he’ll be climbing them soon enough. I'll no longer be able to leave cups of coffee on the coffee table! Wasn't a problem when he was a new-born. He'll also start taking more in, so no more watching Peaky Blinders during the day. No, unless I want to scar him mentally Adult TV will have to wait till late. I'll have to make do with Cbeebies instead. In some ways I’m gaining more freedom the older he gets and in other ways I’m not. Having to baby proof is the next stage and I guess we'll just learn as we go. Taking things as they come while, most importantly, trying to remain calm. Zen.