New Year's Resolutions
New Year, New me!
Well, that's the intention. And you do generally have good intentions you wake up late, slightly hung over, on the 1st January.
You pull back the covers, stretch your arms and rub your eyes. You check your phone to see all the new year messages you never got round to replying to because you were far to busy last night on a much more timely mission. Since one of your resolutions was to (unrealistically) never drink again, you decided that last night was the optimum time to try and clear the vast collection of booze from the back from your kitchen cupboards, by funneling them directly down your throat at about half 11. You couldn’t have thrown them away, no. That would have been a waste. All the usual suspects were involved; Port, Brandy, a miniature bottle of Ouzo from that holiday to Greece three years ago. Ironically, all the drinks you'd never usually look twice at. Until, of course, the time came that you found yourself 'needing' to get rid of them in order to not drink them come the new year. Makes perfect sense really.
So, as you lift you head from the pillow, your thumping headache reminds you of last night's success. This new year can now commence as intended, with a booze free house. Well done you!
Pleased with yourself, you stagger down to the kitchen. Knocking over just a few half empty cans, you manage to find the switch for the kettle, you unplug the bubble machine and start preparing a strong black coffee.
It's a black coffee because your hippy friend finally managed you convince you to participate in Veganuary over that never ending game of monopoly. You wanted it to be over so you reluctantly gave in. You figured, how hard can it be? You had already planned to only eat healthy foods. Now you’ll finally become the goddess like figure you promised yourself you would last year. Only that never happened because Ben and Jerry's brought out that new flavour, then Dominoes were doing that 2 for 1. Oh, and you had that wedding party last Feb. None of that was your fault though. There were way to many variables last year. This time will be different. Healthy and vegan, two birds with one stone, to lose three stone, fingers crossed.
The kettle finishes boiling, you've just checked your phone again but still no messages. Hmmm, maybe you didn't have as many friends as you thought you did. You do have an email though... you open it... you are in luck! That eco foam, vegan friendly, magenta flex roll yoga mat (straps not included) has been dispatched and is making it's way to your door, delivered by amazon. All for only £160. What a bargin! You can now add that much awaited yoga workout to the 5am morning routine to were planning on starting. You'll easily be able to squeeze in a quick sess after the meditation. Smiling happily in recognition of this 'new you' you’ve miraculously evolved into over night. Like a beautifully optimistic butterfly emerging from its negativity chrysalis. You also praise yourself for being such a conscience shopper, Greta would be so proud. You care about the environment not just your physique! You are a truly wonderful citizen. It don't matter amazon don't pay tax. Your not fault.
It's all coming together nicely. Black coffee in hand, you make your way past the bin bags and clear a space on the sofa. You place down your ikea mug down on top of your ikea coffee table. On top the tequila covered monopoly board.
Wait. You don't even like tequila. That's weird.
Your eyes glaze over, you yawn then scan the table trying to piece together the evidence from last nights fuzzy events. The steaming mug sits right next to little sliver car piece, your mate must have eventually taken that out of her bra before she left last night to go home.
You rub your head, why was it in her bra again?
Oh, that's right! She hid it there when you refused to give her a loan. You didn't care though, if Natwest couldn't give her a loan because she fell behind on her 'buy now pay later' then why should you. Monopoly is a capitalist game after all, empathy doesn’t come into.
You put the tele on, you would go for that run but your head is still sore. While sipping your coffee you slump down into the mold of your body the sofa has un-voluntarily become accustomed to. It's just gone 12 so you figure it's best to wait till 1pm now to kick start your new life.
You yawn again and your eyes close....
....
Shit! It's half 5! You’ve only woken cause your phone buzzed. Who could it be? One of your non-existent friends?
Yes. It’s John.
Papa John. They’re doing a deal, 50% off all pizzas. Hmm. They have vegan options don't they? Would be rude not to.
Perhaps it's best you start that ‘new you’ tomorrow, I mean.. that yoga mat hasn't even arrived yet. It's not your fault.